Well this will be short. I'm pondering over starting this blog up again. Funny things happen to me, and I just want to record them. We'll see if I can actually keep up with this and get this blog going again. So that I never forget, a quote of the day (actually a quote from last week).
(during a radio ad) "call now to see if you qualify for unnecessary body part removal!"
No joke.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Day Six - Hair hilarity
Event of the Day
Last Saturday I said goodbye to my lovely, luxurious locks and received my "mission cut." I am not particularly fond of having short hair, but alas, it was necessary. I had been growing my hair out for a while, knowing that the day of reckoning would eventually come. My one consolation was that at least it would be noticed, right? Being a guy, and being a guy who had pretty much the same hair for the last six years or so, I rarely had people comment on a hair cut. Now I don't rely on others' comments to form my self-image, but hey, it is fun to have people notice you, even if it is because you had a bad hair cut. Sadly, the "oh my gosh!" reaction I hoped for never really came to be. The funny thing is that most of my closest friends were apathetic, while some people I barely know have provided the reaction I yearned for. One such reaction - and subsequent hilarity - took place in my student success class. My student success professor, who I'm not particularly fond of, interrupted the middle of class, saying, "Wow! You cut your hair!" My zinger of an answer, "Yep." Followed by, "Wow, do you feel naked without it?" I answered, truthfully and reluctantly, "Yeah, a little bit." My feelings after what happened next could have followed a myriad of paths: Shock, Horror, Disgust, Embarrassment, to name a few. Surprisingly enough, I just thought it was funny. After admitting with a resigned tone that I felt naked without my hair, the Tongan girl in front of me exclaimed proudly to the class, "Well I think he looks good naked!" Cue awkward, incredulous silence. Then...laughter filled the classroom. You can't write it any better.
Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
The tip of my illustrious hat goes to the Utah Jazz. The future was beginning to look bleak when a struggling Jazz team found out that they would loose top scorer and rebounder Carlos Boozer for 4-5 weeks due to injury. The Jazz have responded by going 5-1 since Boozer went out, thanks in large part to the improved play of Deron Williams, Derek Fisher, Paul Millsap, and incredible clutchiness of Mehmet Okur. I will be attending the Jazz game against the Cleveland Cavaliers on February 14th, hoping they can improve that record to 6-1. Ordinarily, I might be sad that I was yet again Valentineless for Valentine's day, but I've got a hot date with a hot team and I refuse to let that get me down. By the way, the wag of my finger of course, goes to Valentine's Day, or as many heartbroken souls call it, Single Awareness Day, S.A.D. Why set up a holiday where everyone loses? Guys with a Valentine invariably screw it up, and are sent to the dog house. Girls with a Valentine are heartbroken when the guys invariably screw up. Everyone without a Valentine is reminded of how pathetic they are because they don't get a chance to either screw up or be screwed. Wow, thanks St. Valentine of 269 A.D. I know you were probably upset that you were going to be executed for your Christian beliefs by the Romans on February 14th, but that doesn't mean you had to ruin the day for future generations.
That Other Gender
Recently a suave friend of mine has been giving me pointers on dealing with that other gender, and despite his track record of success I am still having a hard time. The past year has been a revelation of the subtlety, deception, and complete idiocy that is interaction between male and female. Having my first text conversation with a girl, my friend guided me on what to type in. Every time he told me to type, I gave him a "What!?!??" face, and he told me to trust him. It seems that flirting is some delicate and inexplicable balance between showing that they are the only thing you want, but you could easily live without them. That they are fantastic, but entirely ordinary. Flirting is a constant interplay between complimenting and teasing, giving and taking. How can something that is so fundamental to human relationships be so hard to understand? Anyway thanks to my friend, the conversation did seem to be constructive. Now he has given me an ultimatum to "get her" (still not entirely sure what that means) within two weeks or I have to move on to a new girl. This "player" or "lady-killer" style is completely foreign to me. It feels uncomfortable, but considering that my previous attempts at being friendly, nice, and a bit shy were all failures, a change up might be worth a shot.
Last Saturday I said goodbye to my lovely, luxurious locks and received my "mission cut." I am not particularly fond of having short hair, but alas, it was necessary. I had been growing my hair out for a while, knowing that the day of reckoning would eventually come. My one consolation was that at least it would be noticed, right? Being a guy, and being a guy who had pretty much the same hair for the last six years or so, I rarely had people comment on a hair cut. Now I don't rely on others' comments to form my self-image, but hey, it is fun to have people notice you, even if it is because you had a bad hair cut. Sadly, the "oh my gosh!" reaction I hoped for never really came to be. The funny thing is that most of my closest friends were apathetic, while some people I barely know have provided the reaction I yearned for. One such reaction - and subsequent hilarity - took place in my student success class. My student success professor, who I'm not particularly fond of, interrupted the middle of class, saying, "Wow! You cut your hair!" My zinger of an answer, "Yep." Followed by, "Wow, do you feel naked without it?" I answered, truthfully and reluctantly, "Yeah, a little bit." My feelings after what happened next could have followed a myriad of paths: Shock, Horror, Disgust, Embarrassment, to name a few. Surprisingly enough, I just thought it was funny. After admitting with a resigned tone that I felt naked without my hair, the Tongan girl in front of me exclaimed proudly to the class, "Well I think he looks good naked!" Cue awkward, incredulous silence. Then...laughter filled the classroom. You can't write it any better.
Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
The tip of my illustrious hat goes to the Utah Jazz. The future was beginning to look bleak when a struggling Jazz team found out that they would loose top scorer and rebounder Carlos Boozer for 4-5 weeks due to injury. The Jazz have responded by going 5-1 since Boozer went out, thanks in large part to the improved play of Deron Williams, Derek Fisher, Paul Millsap, and incredible clutchiness of Mehmet Okur. I will be attending the Jazz game against the Cleveland Cavaliers on February 14th, hoping they can improve that record to 6-1. Ordinarily, I might be sad that I was yet again Valentineless for Valentine's day, but I've got a hot date with a hot team and I refuse to let that get me down. By the way, the wag of my finger of course, goes to Valentine's Day, or as many heartbroken souls call it, Single Awareness Day, S.A.D. Why set up a holiday where everyone loses? Guys with a Valentine invariably screw it up, and are sent to the dog house. Girls with a Valentine are heartbroken when the guys invariably screw up. Everyone without a Valentine is reminded of how pathetic they are because they don't get a chance to either screw up or be screwed. Wow, thanks St. Valentine of 269 A.D. I know you were probably upset that you were going to be executed for your Christian beliefs by the Romans on February 14th, but that doesn't mean you had to ruin the day for future generations.
That Other Gender
Recently a suave friend of mine has been giving me pointers on dealing with that other gender, and despite his track record of success I am still having a hard time. The past year has been a revelation of the subtlety, deception, and complete idiocy that is interaction between male and female. Having my first text conversation with a girl, my friend guided me on what to type in. Every time he told me to type, I gave him a "What!?!??" face, and he told me to trust him. It seems that flirting is some delicate and inexplicable balance between showing that they are the only thing you want, but you could easily live without them. That they are fantastic, but entirely ordinary. Flirting is a constant interplay between complimenting and teasing, giving and taking. How can something that is so fundamental to human relationships be so hard to understand? Anyway thanks to my friend, the conversation did seem to be constructive. Now he has given me an ultimatum to "get her" (still not entirely sure what that means) within two weeks or I have to move on to a new girl. This "player" or "lady-killer" style is completely foreign to me. It feels uncomfortable, but considering that my previous attempts at being friendly, nice, and a bit shy were all failures, a change up might be worth a shot.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Day Five - Basically I'm starting to like blogging
Event of the Day
Today, I delved into a few blogs, including one that I posted on, about my summer job working construction. I've always been somewhat critical of blogs and journals in general. Despite the fact that I love history, and have a dysfunctional memory, I always thought they seemed pointless. I hereby retract any disparaging comment or thought I've had about journal writing. Looking back at the events that transpired last summer, I felt the proverbial flood of nostalgia overtaking me. I've been down lately, and reading over the funny things that happened while we worked brightened my day a bit. I never thought a look back to 60 hour work weeks, monotonous work, and foul-mouthed fellow employees would give my spirits a lift. Congratulations Universe, you win. In turn, I am more excited about posting here than I was before. Even though I might have never have hundreds of readers - like I dreamed about when I started this blog - I know I will always have at least one reader. . . me.
The Index
Here is a fantabulous section where I will assign five different things a rating of 1-10. 10 is good, and 1 is bad. Comprende? Okay then, let's get it started.
Let's get it started - 9
I still love this song, but other rap songs have surfaced that I like even more, so this Black Eyed Peas popular single falls to 9.
Fun-size sour punch straws - 1
I spent ten minutes trying to open the package to one of these earlier today, and ended up with 10 times less energy then the minuscule packet of mono saccharides would have given me in the first place.
The Office - 8
What?!? The Office falls to 8? I know it seems harsh, but at a time when I needed a freaking good episode filled with hope of a Jim/Pam get together, I was instead given more delay. No worries, however, I trust the Office writers to set things straight.
Ugly couples - 5
I really am torn on this. On one hand, it is good to see people happily together, and it means that I don't have to worry about talking to either of them. On the other hand, they still kind of make you sick inside, and it simply reminds me how pathetic it is that I've never had a girlfriend.
The Jazz - 10
The Utah Jazz lose Carlos Boozer, then come up with three close wins against upper-tier teams? They must know that I'm a little down. Thanks guys, this really means a lot to me.
That Other Gender
I have to be the worst failure ever at closing the deal. I'm disgusted with myself, really. I will present to you three examples among the zounds of failures I've had. Most recently, I was walking out the door after work, and saw two really cute girls in a jeep. I made eye contact and smiled and walked on towards my car, thinking nothing of the event. As I sat in my car talking on the cell phone, another girl walked out of my workplace and started talking to the girls in the jeep. That same girl kept looking over at my car. Coincidence? I think not. Problem was, what do you really do in that situation. Get out of the car and get a-flirtin'? I decided to just start driving to my friends house. Then they started following me in their jeep. Did I try and do something like lose them, or go really fast, or fall back and open my window? Nope, I just kept driving until they lost interest and turned around.
Now here is an egregious one. I decided to attend my friends' institute class, and there was an exceptionally attractive girl across the room. I had read something about making eye contact on the Internet and I decided to try it out. Lo and behold, my magic was working and I caught her eye. It was a solid 2-3 seconds of looking and she smiled. I also caught her glancing over a few times later in the class period. After the class, we both lingered and I told her she was devastatingly beautiful and we started making out. Sorry, wanted to see if you were still reading. Actually, she left before me, but she kind of walked slow until we were pretty much walking next to each other. I still cringe when I think of what happened next, which was nothing. I didn't say anything. I kind of smiled a bit, and spend a minute or so wondering what to say, until she broke off a different way, and I just sat down on a chair and cursed myself.
There is a couple girls that I've caught glancing my way the last few times I've gone to my Biology class, and I don't know if anything will come of it. The glances are obvious, but obviously I don't know what to do afterwards. Maybe I'm overrating eye contact? I don't think so, but regardless I'm horrible at starting a conversation with girls. Many people have told me that it doesn't even really matter what you say, but my mind still overworks itself trying to think of something incredibly suave to say. Feel free to comment on how cowardly I am and stuff.
Today, I delved into a few blogs, including one that I posted on, about my summer job working construction. I've always been somewhat critical of blogs and journals in general. Despite the fact that I love history, and have a dysfunctional memory, I always thought they seemed pointless. I hereby retract any disparaging comment or thought I've had about journal writing. Looking back at the events that transpired last summer, I felt the proverbial flood of nostalgia overtaking me. I've been down lately, and reading over the funny things that happened while we worked brightened my day a bit. I never thought a look back to 60 hour work weeks, monotonous work, and foul-mouthed fellow employees would give my spirits a lift. Congratulations Universe, you win. In turn, I am more excited about posting here than I was before. Even though I might have never have hundreds of readers - like I dreamed about when I started this blog - I know I will always have at least one reader. . . me.
The Index
Here is a fantabulous section where I will assign five different things a rating of 1-10. 10 is good, and 1 is bad. Comprende? Okay then, let's get it started.
Let's get it started - 9
I still love this song, but other rap songs have surfaced that I like even more, so this Black Eyed Peas popular single falls to 9.
Fun-size sour punch straws - 1
I spent ten minutes trying to open the package to one of these earlier today, and ended up with 10 times less energy then the minuscule packet of mono saccharides would have given me in the first place.
The Office - 8
What?!? The Office falls to 8? I know it seems harsh, but at a time when I needed a freaking good episode filled with hope of a Jim/Pam get together, I was instead given more delay. No worries, however, I trust the Office writers to set things straight.
Ugly couples - 5
I really am torn on this. On one hand, it is good to see people happily together, and it means that I don't have to worry about talking to either of them. On the other hand, they still kind of make you sick inside, and it simply reminds me how pathetic it is that I've never had a girlfriend.
The Jazz - 10
The Utah Jazz lose Carlos Boozer, then come up with three close wins against upper-tier teams? They must know that I'm a little down. Thanks guys, this really means a lot to me.
That Other Gender
I have to be the worst failure ever at closing the deal. I'm disgusted with myself, really. I will present to you three examples among the zounds of failures I've had. Most recently, I was walking out the door after work, and saw two really cute girls in a jeep. I made eye contact and smiled and walked on towards my car, thinking nothing of the event. As I sat in my car talking on the cell phone, another girl walked out of my workplace and started talking to the girls in the jeep. That same girl kept looking over at my car. Coincidence? I think not. Problem was, what do you really do in that situation. Get out of the car and get a-flirtin'? I decided to just start driving to my friends house. Then they started following me in their jeep. Did I try and do something like lose them, or go really fast, or fall back and open my window? Nope, I just kept driving until they lost interest and turned around.
Now here is an egregious one. I decided to attend my friends' institute class, and there was an exceptionally attractive girl across the room. I had read something about making eye contact on the Internet and I decided to try it out. Lo and behold, my magic was working and I caught her eye. It was a solid 2-3 seconds of looking and she smiled. I also caught her glancing over a few times later in the class period. After the class, we both lingered and I told her she was devastatingly beautiful and we started making out. Sorry, wanted to see if you were still reading. Actually, she left before me, but she kind of walked slow until we were pretty much walking next to each other. I still cringe when I think of what happened next, which was nothing. I didn't say anything. I kind of smiled a bit, and spend a minute or so wondering what to say, until she broke off a different way, and I just sat down on a chair and cursed myself.
There is a couple girls that I've caught glancing my way the last few times I've gone to my Biology class, and I don't know if anything will come of it. The glances are obvious, but obviously I don't know what to do afterwards. Maybe I'm overrating eye contact? I don't think so, but regardless I'm horrible at starting a conversation with girls. Many people have told me that it doesn't even really matter what you say, but my mind still overworks itself trying to think of something incredibly suave to say. Feel free to comment on how cowardly I am and stuff.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Day Four - Good college
Event of the Day
Most of my life is spent in what I call bad college, where homework and boredom dwell. Occasionally, however, I am reminded that every once in a while, good college comes around the corner. Usually good college only lasts a minute or two, and then bad college yet again rears its ugly head. It is these all too brief moments of good college that keep me going. Today was rife (definitely one of my favorite words) with good college experiences. One of my favorite parts about college is that teachers hold less power. Up through high school, if a teacher directly told you to do something you did it, or else you were labeled as a rebel. Today, two people stood up to the teacher, and it made me laugh. First, there was a guy in my biology class who decided to leave a few minutes early. The professor caught him and told him to just wait a minute. The second the professor turned away, he proceeded to walk out the door. When my professor turned around to find the student gone, his flabbergasted (also one of my favorite words) look made me chuckle for a while. In my next class - an arduously boring student success class - the teacher was poking fun at a comment a girl in the back of the class made. How often have you forced yourself to laugh along, when you'd rather retaliate at the person that's making you out to be an idiot? Well, the girl replied, "Yeah, freak you." I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that she retaliated, or that she actually used "freak." Now, I don't condone being a jerk to your professor, but it is refreshing to see normal people - meaning not that guy who always smelled like drugs and wore a bandanna, and you'd never talk to him because he'd give you that "why the crap are you talking to me?" look when you'd try - not take a professor's crap because they're tired of it. I certainly wish I would have had the nerve to do that a few times. By the way, the other good college moments of the day included talking to my friend Michelle, catching two girls looking at me (hopefully it's because I'm hot, and not because I had something in my teeth or something) during Biology, and making a pretty keen joke in my student success class.
Tip of the Hat/ Wag of the Finger
My tip of the hat goes to Cinnamon Life cereal. I think Life is a very unique cereal, just like cereal is a unique part of life. It doesn't really float, it just kind of hovers near the surface, providing brief glimpses of the sugary, wholegrain squares lurking below. It also kind of breaks apart really easy, and isn't very crunchy. For a long time, I am sorry to say I let Life's differences get in the way of me eating it. A couple days ago, I decided to give Life a chance. I had a bowl of Cinnamon Life, and realized that my past prejudice had kept me from a life of true breakfast fullfillment. I look forward to a life full of Life for now on. My wag of the finger goes to the guy who was wearing the same jacket as me today. I know I have style, but this is just ridiculous. I have one - one! - jacket that makes me feel like I'm cool, and he stole that part of me today. The only thing that helped me get through this catastrophic event, was the fact that he was wearing it fully zipped up, while I kind of had the 1/2 zip thing going.
That Other Gender
Last week, I explained the ambiguity of rating systems in this segment, but today I look at something that everyone can agree on, the Celebrity Top Five. Without further adeiu, here are the lovely ladies:
5. Scarlett Johansson - Her prestige goes without saying
4. Jennifer Anniston - I actually don't know why I like her so much, but she is attractive
3. Natalie Portman - hot AND in Star Wars, 'nuff said
2. Reese Witherspoon - great looks, and I always fall a little in love with any character she plays
1. Jessica Alba - I actually haven't seen a whole movie with her in it, but for goodness' sakes, she makes me want to see Into the Blue, and I don't even know what it's about!
In case any of these women compose part of my readership - just leave a comment, and we can go out to a movie (maybe one that you're in???) and have dinner sometime. Call me.
Most of my life is spent in what I call bad college, where homework and boredom dwell. Occasionally, however, I am reminded that every once in a while, good college comes around the corner. Usually good college only lasts a minute or two, and then bad college yet again rears its ugly head. It is these all too brief moments of good college that keep me going. Today was rife (definitely one of my favorite words) with good college experiences. One of my favorite parts about college is that teachers hold less power. Up through high school, if a teacher directly told you to do something you did it, or else you were labeled as a rebel. Today, two people stood up to the teacher, and it made me laugh. First, there was a guy in my biology class who decided to leave a few minutes early. The professor caught him and told him to just wait a minute. The second the professor turned away, he proceeded to walk out the door. When my professor turned around to find the student gone, his flabbergasted (also one of my favorite words) look made me chuckle for a while. In my next class - an arduously boring student success class - the teacher was poking fun at a comment a girl in the back of the class made. How often have you forced yourself to laugh along, when you'd rather retaliate at the person that's making you out to be an idiot? Well, the girl replied, "Yeah, freak you." I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that she retaliated, or that she actually used "freak." Now, I don't condone being a jerk to your professor, but it is refreshing to see normal people - meaning not that guy who always smelled like drugs and wore a bandanna, and you'd never talk to him because he'd give you that "why the crap are you talking to me?" look when you'd try - not take a professor's crap because they're tired of it. I certainly wish I would have had the nerve to do that a few times. By the way, the other good college moments of the day included talking to my friend Michelle, catching two girls looking at me (hopefully it's because I'm hot, and not because I had something in my teeth or something) during Biology, and making a pretty keen joke in my student success class.
Tip of the Hat/ Wag of the Finger
My tip of the hat goes to Cinnamon Life cereal. I think Life is a very unique cereal, just like cereal is a unique part of life. It doesn't really float, it just kind of hovers near the surface, providing brief glimpses of the sugary, wholegrain squares lurking below. It also kind of breaks apart really easy, and isn't very crunchy. For a long time, I am sorry to say I let Life's differences get in the way of me eating it. A couple days ago, I decided to give Life a chance. I had a bowl of Cinnamon Life, and realized that my past prejudice had kept me from a life of true breakfast fullfillment. I look forward to a life full of Life for now on. My wag of the finger goes to the guy who was wearing the same jacket as me today. I know I have style, but this is just ridiculous. I have one - one! - jacket that makes me feel like I'm cool, and he stole that part of me today. The only thing that helped me get through this catastrophic event, was the fact that he was wearing it fully zipped up, while I kind of had the 1/2 zip thing going.
That Other Gender
Last week, I explained the ambiguity of rating systems in this segment, but today I look at something that everyone can agree on, the Celebrity Top Five. Without further adeiu, here are the lovely ladies:
5. Scarlett Johansson - Her prestige goes without saying
4. Jennifer Anniston - I actually don't know why I like her so much, but she is attractive
3. Natalie Portman - hot AND in Star Wars, 'nuff said
2. Reese Witherspoon - great looks, and I always fall a little in love with any character she plays
1. Jessica Alba - I actually haven't seen a whole movie with her in it, but for goodness' sakes, she makes me want to see Into the Blue, and I don't even know what it's about!
In case any of these women compose part of my readership - just leave a comment, and we can go out to a movie (maybe one that you're in???) and have dinner sometime. Call me.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Day Three - Why?
Event of the Day
Unfortunately, me brain tends to be more stubborn than my gut. This morning, as I was grabbing my various lunch items and putting them into my lunch sack, my gut gave a gallant effort to avoid disaster. When I was about to place a can of Shasta soda in to my sack, I hesitated. This is how the internal conversation basically went.
Gut: I wouldn't do that
Brain: huh?
Gut: Don't put the soda in, something is not right
Brain: huh?
Gut: Honestly...
Brain: No, I like soda...a lot
Gut: Okay, never mind
I'm sad to say this story does not end well. After I finished my basketball class, I opened up my backpack, where I keep my lunch and my street clothes. I pulled out one of my favorite shirts. It was wet. Did I place it on a wet spot on the bench? No, the truth was much, much worse. Discovering that the entire interior of my backpack was sticky and wet, the truth sailed down like a lightning bolt from Zeus - my soda was leaking. So, not only am I currently wearing a lemon lime-flavored shirt, I am also hungry, because my sandwiches got doused and consequently dumped.
Mundane Genius
Today, I saw a large group of students huddled around a table. Apparently, my college is hosting a contest to win a PS3. To win, you simply have to hold onto the table the longest. I shrugged off the obvious questions - "Why?" and "Aren't they encouraging skipping class?" - and instead listened to the people crowded around the table. I was rewarded by this brief exchange between two contest hopefuls.
First Guy: I don't know, should I do it?
Second Guy: (with an incredulous stare) Duh, its a PS3!
First Guy: Well, I'll probably get fired if I don't go to work.
Second Guy: So?
Obviously, in today's technology and entertainment-based society, traditional forms of motivation ( torture, blackmail, gold stars) are outdated. The PS3 is now the ultimate motivational tool. If you get a 4.0, you get a PS3 as well. If you perform well at work, your Sega Genesis is promoted to a PS3. If you clean up ten pieces of trash, bam! a PS3. If you refuse to give up your country's deepest military secrets, no PS3 for you. The possibility of mass societal change is too hard to ignore.
That Other Gender
Rating systems are like the Constitution. They are often referred to, full of ambiguity, and everyone thinks that their interpretation of the rating system is correct. (Man, I wanted to include "often ignored by those in power" to that list, but I couldn't see what it had to do with rating systems.) Most people insist on using a 1-10 system. So your friend tells you about the girl that's a 7 in his biology class that said "hi" to him. What does that mean to you? On a normal scale of 1-10, a 7 would put you in the top third of the group, which is fairly prestigious. However, I think a 7 would not sound that amazing to most guys. The problem is, many guys accidentally change the rating system. They set the bar at 6 or 7 (depending on how picky they are) then call everything else a "one" - which basically means "not worth bragging about." Thus, they cut the scale by more than half. If you only talk about 7's or higher, than a 7 is the lowest possible number. Moving the scale to 1-20 would do wonders, but mankind is too deeply rooted in base ten thinking. My personal favorite is categorizing. This clears up a lot of confusion, and a number can even be attached at the end for nostalgia's sake. "She is dateable" is a reasonable, balanced statement for a girl in the 6-7 range. "She's a sweet spirit" eupemises that ghastly "one" rating. "She is a drop-dead gorgeous, not-even-afraid-to-stare-at-her-cause-she's-so-hot babe" is a marvelous substitute for 10 in category rating system. I wonder if girls have a similar problem when rating us?
Unfortunately, me brain tends to be more stubborn than my gut. This morning, as I was grabbing my various lunch items and putting them into my lunch sack, my gut gave a gallant effort to avoid disaster. When I was about to place a can of Shasta soda in to my sack, I hesitated. This is how the internal conversation basically went.
Gut: I wouldn't do that
Brain: huh?
Gut: Don't put the soda in, something is not right
Brain: huh?
Gut: Honestly...
Brain: No, I like soda...a lot
Gut: Okay, never mind
I'm sad to say this story does not end well. After I finished my basketball class, I opened up my backpack, where I keep my lunch and my street clothes. I pulled out one of my favorite shirts. It was wet. Did I place it on a wet spot on the bench? No, the truth was much, much worse. Discovering that the entire interior of my backpack was sticky and wet, the truth sailed down like a lightning bolt from Zeus - my soda was leaking. So, not only am I currently wearing a lemon lime-flavored shirt, I am also hungry, because my sandwiches got doused and consequently dumped.
Mundane Genius
Today, I saw a large group of students huddled around a table. Apparently, my college is hosting a contest to win a PS3. To win, you simply have to hold onto the table the longest. I shrugged off the obvious questions - "Why?" and "Aren't they encouraging skipping class?" - and instead listened to the people crowded around the table. I was rewarded by this brief exchange between two contest hopefuls.
First Guy: I don't know, should I do it?
Second Guy: (with an incredulous stare) Duh, its a PS3!
First Guy: Well, I'll probably get fired if I don't go to work.
Second Guy: So?
Obviously, in today's technology and entertainment-based society, traditional forms of motivation ( torture, blackmail, gold stars) are outdated. The PS3 is now the ultimate motivational tool. If you get a 4.0, you get a PS3 as well. If you perform well at work, your Sega Genesis is promoted to a PS3. If you clean up ten pieces of trash, bam! a PS3. If you refuse to give up your country's deepest military secrets, no PS3 for you. The possibility of mass societal change is too hard to ignore.
That Other Gender
Rating systems are like the Constitution. They are often referred to, full of ambiguity, and everyone thinks that their interpretation of the rating system is correct. (Man, I wanted to include "often ignored by those in power" to that list, but I couldn't see what it had to do with rating systems.) Most people insist on using a 1-10 system. So your friend tells you about the girl that's a 7 in his biology class that said "hi" to him. What does that mean to you? On a normal scale of 1-10, a 7 would put you in the top third of the group, which is fairly prestigious. However, I think a 7 would not sound that amazing to most guys. The problem is, many guys accidentally change the rating system. They set the bar at 6 or 7 (depending on how picky they are) then call everything else a "one" - which basically means "not worth bragging about." Thus, they cut the scale by more than half. If you only talk about 7's or higher, than a 7 is the lowest possible number. Moving the scale to 1-20 would do wonders, but mankind is too deeply rooted in base ten thinking. My personal favorite is categorizing. This clears up a lot of confusion, and a number can even be attached at the end for nostalgia's sake. "She is dateable" is a reasonable, balanced statement for a girl in the 6-7 range. "She's a sweet spirit" eupemises that ghastly "one" rating. "She is a drop-dead gorgeous, not-even-afraid-to-stare-at-her-cause-she's-so-hot babe" is a marvelous substitute for 10 in category rating system. I wonder if girls have a similar problem when rating us?
Friday, January 26, 2007
Day Two - The Anticipated Return
Nothing like suspense to capture an audience, right? Right? Errr...sorry, I promise to update this site more often for now on. Okay, now that we got that awkward moment over with, we can get to the good stuff.
Event of the Day
You know the stereotypical art teacher.; the one who asks you to express your inner aura, or to dance like you felt on the best day of your life, or to sing to your clay pot? Well, that stereotypical art teacher is now my African dance teacher. African dance? Well, that's a story in and of itself. Anyhow, on any other day this post would probably be a subtly cynical regurgitation of her insistent demands to feel "my African self." However, circumstances (that will be more fully explained in the third section of this post) changed my dance class today. The two requirements of the class are to attend, and to attend with a positive attitude. Heading into my class at 7:00 at night with anger and heartbreak being my two strongest emotions, I had a feeling I couldn't possibly fulfill both requirements. My predictions held true through the first part of class, but the zaniness of my stereotypical dance teacher and the dancing began to take over. Believe it or not, it is hard to shimmy and frown at the same time. The same holds true when you're doing the "parting the tall grass" move or the "throw the fishing nets" move. My frown was removed for the rest of the class period when our teacher told us that we needed to think of friends who needed "spiritual healing" for the next dance. Three of my friends in that class (two girls and a guy I just barely met) pointed to me, targeting me as their spiritually broken friend. My friends' recognition of my pain coupled with the silliness of the whole situation was too much. I broke into my patented half-smile, and decided to forget about past events for the rest of the class period. I spend most of my African dance classes embarrassed and skeptical, but who knows, maybe I am starting to find my African self.
Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
Sorry about the seriousness of my last post. Seriously, that is too serious for my strictly-unserious goals for this mostly unserious blog. I will try to make it up for you with this new section. At the request of my readership, I will incorporate the mighty Stephen Colbert's popular segment into my humble web log. My tip of the hat goes to [insert drum roll] Stephen Colbert. I know Colbert's show is always amazing, but lately Stephen has been on fire. Just look at the interviews he has been racking up: Mike Wallace, "Papa Bear" Bill O'Reilly, and the reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln (I can't confirm the last one). If you've never had the opportunity to see the Colbert Report, you haven't lived people. Trust me. My Wag of the the Finger goes to...yep, you guessed it, bears. Why bears? Well, for one thing my idol Colbert is rather unfond of them. Also, what do they do besides sleep and kill things? The only thing that contributes less to American Society than bears is Hollywood, but the Lord of the Rings movies allow me to barely tolerate them. Bears have nothing going for them.
[edit: some people may feel that I tried to glorify Stephen Colbert and condemn bears as part of an elaborate attempt to keep the Colbert Report from suing me for copying part of their show. Obviously there is no truth to this. Go with your gut and you'll be able to see through the facts.]
That Other Gender
Wow. Generally, I would like to use this section to reveal how clueless I am in a humorous way. I can't stop this go-around from becoming a rant, though. There's a girl who I have had a crush on for a few years now. I always labeled her as a hopeless dream, but earlier this year, around Halloween, I decided to go for broke and I told her how I felt. She denied me, saying that I was too good of a friend (that phrase will certainly be the topic of a future "that other gender"). Well, I have tried to move on since then, but it's hard to be "just friends" after everything that has happened. Well, today, I went to hang out with her for a while, and she admitted that she had been dating two guys while she had been at college. Not only that, but she broke up with the first guy because he didn't communicate very well. Sorry, but does anyone see the irony here? Perhaps said girl could have "communicated" that she was going out with someone, and I wouldn't have made a fool of myself on Halloween. After I left, I was forced to confront the years I spent thinking about her. Was it all a waste of time? I spent years thinking she was worth all of it, and now I had to confront the fact that I probably should have moved on a long time ago. Balance that with the conflicting feelings I still have for her, and you could guess it was a confusing day for me. I don't mean this as a denouncement of her, she is a great person - her greatest fault being that she is so amazing she can't be with me. I also know that there is a gargantuan back story that would make this small snippet difficult to understand, but this day was more for the writer than the reader, if you catch my drift. I feel better writing this down, but I still have no idea what I'm going to do with that other gender.
Event of the Day
You know the stereotypical art teacher.; the one who asks you to express your inner aura, or to dance like you felt on the best day of your life, or to sing to your clay pot? Well, that stereotypical art teacher is now my African dance teacher. African dance? Well, that's a story in and of itself. Anyhow, on any other day this post would probably be a subtly cynical regurgitation of her insistent demands to feel "my African self." However, circumstances (that will be more fully explained in the third section of this post) changed my dance class today. The two requirements of the class are to attend, and to attend with a positive attitude. Heading into my class at 7:00 at night with anger and heartbreak being my two strongest emotions, I had a feeling I couldn't possibly fulfill both requirements. My predictions held true through the first part of class, but the zaniness of my stereotypical dance teacher and the dancing began to take over. Believe it or not, it is hard to shimmy and frown at the same time. The same holds true when you're doing the "parting the tall grass" move or the "throw the fishing nets" move. My frown was removed for the rest of the class period when our teacher told us that we needed to think of friends who needed "spiritual healing" for the next dance. Three of my friends in that class (two girls and a guy I just barely met) pointed to me, targeting me as their spiritually broken friend. My friends' recognition of my pain coupled with the silliness of the whole situation was too much. I broke into my patented half-smile, and decided to forget about past events for the rest of the class period. I spend most of my African dance classes embarrassed and skeptical, but who knows, maybe I am starting to find my African self.
Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
Sorry about the seriousness of my last post. Seriously, that is too serious for my strictly-unserious goals for this mostly unserious blog. I will try to make it up for you with this new section. At the request of my readership, I will incorporate the mighty Stephen Colbert's popular segment into my humble web log. My tip of the hat goes to [insert drum roll] Stephen Colbert. I know Colbert's show is always amazing, but lately Stephen has been on fire. Just look at the interviews he has been racking up: Mike Wallace, "Papa Bear" Bill O'Reilly, and the reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln (I can't confirm the last one). If you've never had the opportunity to see the Colbert Report, you haven't lived people. Trust me. My Wag of the the Finger goes to...yep, you guessed it, bears. Why bears? Well, for one thing my idol Colbert is rather unfond of them. Also, what do they do besides sleep and kill things? The only thing that contributes less to American Society than bears is Hollywood, but the Lord of the Rings movies allow me to barely tolerate them. Bears have nothing going for them.
[edit: some people may feel that I tried to glorify Stephen Colbert and condemn bears as part of an elaborate attempt to keep the Colbert Report from suing me for copying part of their show. Obviously there is no truth to this. Go with your gut and you'll be able to see through the facts.]
That Other Gender
Wow. Generally, I would like to use this section to reveal how clueless I am in a humorous way. I can't stop this go-around from becoming a rant, though. There's a girl who I have had a crush on for a few years now. I always labeled her as a hopeless dream, but earlier this year, around Halloween, I decided to go for broke and I told her how I felt. She denied me, saying that I was too good of a friend (that phrase will certainly be the topic of a future "that other gender"). Well, I have tried to move on since then, but it's hard to be "just friends" after everything that has happened. Well, today, I went to hang out with her for a while, and she admitted that she had been dating two guys while she had been at college. Not only that, but she broke up with the first guy because he didn't communicate very well. Sorry, but does anyone see the irony here? Perhaps said girl could have "communicated" that she was going out with someone, and I wouldn't have made a fool of myself on Halloween. After I left, I was forced to confront the years I spent thinking about her. Was it all a waste of time? I spent years thinking she was worth all of it, and now I had to confront the fact that I probably should have moved on a long time ago. Balance that with the conflicting feelings I still have for her, and you could guess it was a confusing day for me. I don't mean this as a denouncement of her, she is a great person - her greatest fault being that she is so amazing she can't be with me. I also know that there is a gargantuan back story that would make this small snippet difficult to understand, but this day was more for the writer than the reader, if you catch my drift. I feel better writing this down, but I still have no idea what I'm going to do with that other gender.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Day One - Bold Beginnnings
Event of the Day
I start with the following event because it just happened while I was writing the illustrious intro to this blog. It all begins with two harmonica-wielding young men who were sitting across the hall from me. My personal belief is that the majority of Americans possessing more than six teeth find the sound of a harmonica annoying. Don't get me wrong, pretending you can play the harmonica for a few minutes is certainly amusing, but incessant playing grates on me very quickly. Just as the harmonica players were starting to get on my nerves, however, something even more vexing surfaced - war protesters. In response to Bush's decision to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq, a procession of eight or nine students carrying computer paper/magic marker signs brought their march right in front of me. As the protesters passed in between me and the harmonica brothers, something amazing happened. With the perfect timing achieved only by practiced skill, gratuitous fortune, or divine intervention, the protesters' outcries were interrupted by a loud, mournful tune from the harmonica players. Unsure whether the music was a tribute to them, the marchers paused for a moment. Some of the protesters' faces grew more resolute with the patriotic music, while others saw the silent chuckles of the hall's audience and put their heads down. To their credit, they continued their antiwar march down our colorful campus halls till they were out of my sight. Refreshed from the complete absurdity of the moment, I felt like I could go throughout the rest of the day with a smile on my face, and love for the harmonica in my heart.
Mundane Genius
This is the section where I offer sound advice from my life experiences that other advice-givers would generally ignore because it lacks...usefulness. I present to you the "Free-Stuff Principle." My school is currently holding a job fair, which basically equates to spamming the halls with businesses in desperate need of skilled college laborers. Despite my disillusionment with their purpose, these businesses do know how to "get 'er done." Recognizing that signs reading "Work for Terminix Pest Control!" will most likely not garner any attention, every business instead enticed the students will all sorts of free stuff. Free candy! (a traditional favorite) Free stress-balls! Free Dance Dance Revolution! Wow, these guys are sharp. I can't count on my nine fingers (long story) the times my inner revulsion for a teacher has been quickly smoothed over by the offering of a free pencil. A pencil for goodness' sakes! Anyhow, I believe that the "Free-Stuff Principle" should be applied more generously to fix the world's problems. 20,000 troops to Iraq? I've got a better solution. 20,000 free copies of the Little Mermaid air-dropped into Iraq. The advantages of this plan are threefold. One, no more protesters in my college's halls. Two, after viewing the movie Iraqis will realize that there is a better life awaiting them once they escape their watery realm (fascist fanaticism anyone?) and the mustachioed King Triton (Hussein?). Of course this movie analogy turns the US into UrSula, as the dangerous facilitator of change with self-serving ulterior motives, but I digress. Three, the "Free-Stuff Principle" would soften the hearts of Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds alike. Not to mention the nifty name I have derived for this plan: Operation Ariel Bombardment.
That Other Gender
I have two goals in life: to rule the world, and to understand the female mind. Any guy could tell me which one of these goals is actually feasible. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still foolishly believe that someday I will finally understand what girls are really about, so I'll pose questions and observations in this section that should help me progress towards this goal. Feel free to provide feedback ladies and gentlemen. Despite numerous distractions such as homework, education, and learning, I am proud to declare that I have stayed focused on the most important thing in school, hooking up. In elementary school you had kissing tag. In Junior High it was passing notes to that certain cutie in your Pre-Algebra class. In high school, you are supposed to figure out all the drama associated with relationships. I'm still trying to understand the college relationship game plan. Are you supposed to up the ante on closeness? Or is the purpose of college to discover the magic of NCMO? (non-committal make-out for those of you who don't know) I'm still unsure. I'll get back to you when I've figured out the answer.
I start with the following event because it just happened while I was writing the illustrious intro to this blog. It all begins with two harmonica-wielding young men who were sitting across the hall from me. My personal belief is that the majority of Americans possessing more than six teeth find the sound of a harmonica annoying. Don't get me wrong, pretending you can play the harmonica for a few minutes is certainly amusing, but incessant playing grates on me very quickly. Just as the harmonica players were starting to get on my nerves, however, something even more vexing surfaced - war protesters. In response to Bush's decision to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq, a procession of eight or nine students carrying computer paper/magic marker signs brought their march right in front of me. As the protesters passed in between me and the harmonica brothers, something amazing happened. With the perfect timing achieved only by practiced skill, gratuitous fortune, or divine intervention, the protesters' outcries were interrupted by a loud, mournful tune from the harmonica players. Unsure whether the music was a tribute to them, the marchers paused for a moment. Some of the protesters' faces grew more resolute with the patriotic music, while others saw the silent chuckles of the hall's audience and put their heads down. To their credit, they continued their antiwar march down our colorful campus halls till they were out of my sight. Refreshed from the complete absurdity of the moment, I felt like I could go throughout the rest of the day with a smile on my face, and love for the harmonica in my heart.
Mundane Genius
This is the section where I offer sound advice from my life experiences that other advice-givers would generally ignore because it lacks...usefulness. I present to you the "Free-Stuff Principle." My school is currently holding a job fair, which basically equates to spamming the halls with businesses in desperate need of skilled college laborers. Despite my disillusionment with their purpose, these businesses do know how to "get 'er done." Recognizing that signs reading "Work for Terminix Pest Control!" will most likely not garner any attention, every business instead enticed the students will all sorts of free stuff. Free candy! (a traditional favorite) Free stress-balls! Free Dance Dance Revolution! Wow, these guys are sharp. I can't count on my nine fingers (long story) the times my inner revulsion for a teacher has been quickly smoothed over by the offering of a free pencil. A pencil for goodness' sakes! Anyhow, I believe that the "Free-Stuff Principle" should be applied more generously to fix the world's problems. 20,000 troops to Iraq? I've got a better solution. 20,000 free copies of the Little Mermaid air-dropped into Iraq. The advantages of this plan are threefold. One, no more protesters in my college's halls. Two, after viewing the movie Iraqis will realize that there is a better life awaiting them once they escape their watery realm (fascist fanaticism anyone?) and the mustachioed King Triton (Hussein?). Of course this movie analogy turns the US into UrSula, as the dangerous facilitator of change with self-serving ulterior motives, but I digress. Three, the "Free-Stuff Principle" would soften the hearts of Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds alike. Not to mention the nifty name I have derived for this plan: Operation Ariel Bombardment.
That Other Gender
I have two goals in life: to rule the world, and to understand the female mind. Any guy could tell me which one of these goals is actually feasible. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still foolishly believe that someday I will finally understand what girls are really about, so I'll pose questions and observations in this section that should help me progress towards this goal. Feel free to provide feedback ladies and gentlemen. Despite numerous distractions such as homework, education, and learning, I am proud to declare that I have stayed focused on the most important thing in school, hooking up. In elementary school you had kissing tag. In Junior High it was passing notes to that certain cutie in your Pre-Algebra class. In high school, you are supposed to figure out all the drama associated with relationships. I'm still trying to understand the college relationship game plan. Are you supposed to up the ante on closeness? Or is the purpose of college to discover the magic of NCMO? (non-committal make-out for those of you who don't know) I'm still unsure. I'll get back to you when I've figured out the answer.
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