Day One - Bold Beginnnings

Event of the Day
I start with the following event because it just happened while I was writing the illustrious intro to this blog. It all begins with two harmonica-wielding young men who were sitting across the hall from me. My personal belief is that the majority of Americans possessing more than six teeth find the sound of a harmonica annoying. Don't get me wrong, pretending you can play the harmonica for a few minutes is certainly amusing, but incessant playing grates on me very quickly. Just as the harmonica players were starting to get on my nerves, however, something even more vexing surfaced - war protesters. In response to Bush's decision to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq, a procession of eight or nine students carrying computer paper/magic marker signs brought their march right in front of me. As the protesters passed in between me and the harmonica brothers, something amazing happened. With the perfect timing achieved only by practiced skill, gratuitous fortune, or divine intervention, the protesters' outcries were interrupted by a loud, mournful tune from the harmonica players. Unsure whether the music was a tribute to them, the marchers paused for a moment. Some of the protesters' faces grew more resolute with the patriotic music, while others saw the silent chuckles of the hall's audience and put their heads down. To their credit, they continued their antiwar march down our colorful campus halls till they were out of my sight. Refreshed from the complete absurdity of the moment, I felt like I could go throughout the rest of the day with a smile on my face, and love for the harmonica in my heart.

Mundane Genius
This is the section where I offer sound advice from my life experiences that other advice-givers would generally ignore because it lacks...usefulness. I present to you the "Free-Stuff Principle." My school is currently holding a job fair, which basically equates to spamming the halls with businesses in desperate need of skilled college laborers. Despite my disillusionment with their purpose, these businesses do know how to "get 'er done." Recognizing that signs reading "Work for Terminix Pest Control!" will most likely not garner any attention, every business instead enticed the students will all sorts of free stuff. Free candy! (a traditional favorite) Free stress-balls! Free Dance Dance Revolution! Wow, these guys are sharp. I can't count on my nine fingers (long story) the times my inner revulsion for a teacher has been quickly smoothed over by the offering of a free pencil. A pencil for goodness' sakes! Anyhow, I believe that the "Free-Stuff Principle" should be applied more generously to fix the world's problems. 20,000 troops to Iraq? I've got a better solution. 20,000 free copies of the Little Mermaid air-dropped into Iraq. The advantages of this plan are threefold. One, no more protesters in my college's halls. Two, after viewing the movie Iraqis will realize that there is a better life awaiting them once they escape their watery realm (fascist fanaticism anyone?) and the mustachioed King Triton (Hussein?). Of course this movie analogy turns the US into UrSula, as the dangerous facilitator of change with self-serving ulterior motives, but I digress. Three, the "Free-Stuff Principle" would soften the hearts of Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds alike. Not to mention the nifty name I have derived for this plan: Operation Ariel Bombardment.

That Other Gender
I have two goals in life: to rule the world, and to understand the female mind. Any guy could tell me which one of these goals is actually feasible. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still foolishly believe that someday I will finally understand what girls are really about, so I'll pose questions and observations in this section that should help me progress towards this goal. Feel free to provide feedback ladies and gentlemen. Despite numerous distractions such as homework, education, and learning, I am proud to declare that I have stayed focused on the most important thing in school, hooking up. In elementary school you had kissing tag. In Junior High it was passing notes to that certain cutie in your Pre-Algebra class. In high school, you are supposed to figure out all the drama associated with relationships. I'm still trying to understand the college relationship game plan. Are you supposed to up the ante on closeness? Or is the purpose of college to discover the magic of NCMO? (non-committal make-out for those of you who don't know) I'm still unsure. I'll get back to you when I've figured out the answer.